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The anger that comes when innocence is taken

Sometimes when you are hurting, it seems everyone else is farther along. Everyone else has it figured out. The Scott family is doing well now, but here’s a glimpse of Carol-Beth’s thoughts shortly after the attacks.

Know that you are not alone… 

The thing is, it never stops hurting. When I see people taking risks with their children I wish I knew how to tell them that it’s not worth it. It starts with the horror of the realization that it happened to your children. No one believes it will happen to their children. No one. But, it does. It happens every day to millions of children. Every sixth girl and every 10th boy before the age of 18. I think that statistic is too low. Every second person I tell has a story. This is the adults telling me their stories. We’re one generation away from that, and they’re rarely prosecuted. This means that pedophiles are everywhere. They are in YOUR church. They are in YOUR school. When you go to the park or the store or through a drive through window. The guy giving you your change? He has a secret.

After the horror of that initial realization there is a Hell that really feels like you’re not going to make it to the other side. And, the idiots who talk to you about it. Or worse, the ones who don’t talk. We didn’t have a single minister in our life who knew what to do. Relatives and friends almost universally failed us. It’s pathetic, really.

I have wondered so many times why the world is the way it is. I have a lot more answers than I used to, but ultimately, I still wonder. How can the world be full of so much evil?

But, my kids. They are so good. Joshua is amazing. He’s not like other kids. He has a unique drive and passion. You can tell that something is inside him that helps him to be a better person each day. He’s constantly working on being a good person. He’s done it for so long, I couldn’t tell you when it started. But, he is most proud of himself when I tell him that “Yes. You do have more self control. ” “Yes. You are more compassionate today than you once were.” “Yes. You are growing and I am so proud of you.”

Noah is just plain sweet. He’s sweet in a way that makes your heart hurt. He loves his family so much that we all sometimes feel less than what we should be in the face of it. He seems to come by this naturally. You know what we found out when Joshua went to see Ginger Brooks, his counselor? You know why he was so stressed out by his memory recovery? It turns out that he was worried that the fact that Noah was present during one of the times that Sam assaulted Joshua meant that Noah would never be the same when Noah finally remembered it. She told him the truth – that Noah would always be the same. He’s a great kid. He will always be a great kid. If he does remember everything someday, we might lose him for a little while, but he’ll come back. He’s too loved not to come back.

And, Hannah. She has the gift of service. You can already see it. She is beautiful and feminine and funny. When BACA asked what each child wanted for their biker name the kids came up with cute and cuddly, character and Bible names, then – Hannah told us she had it! She had it! “Underwear Candle!” She’s a funny, quirky kid.

So, God has blessed us with these children. Sam was used to kill, steal and destroy our family. He failed. But, what he did put us in the thick of a battle that I would never have chosen to fight. I had to fight for my children’s souls. I had to fight to help them close that door that was ripped open so many years before it should even have had a crack of light peeking through. Thank you, God, that we were able to do it. Thank you, God, that there is NO SHAME in our home! But, this cost us a tremendous price that no one should ever have to pay.

If you are reading this, realize that it’s for a reason. As beautiful as your children are. As precious as they are to you. How can you put them at risk? How can you allow this to happen to your kids? It’s not worth it. It’s just not worth it.

1 thought on “The anger that comes when innocence is taken”

  1. Just a note of encouragement to you. I applaud you for taking action to stop the abuse and get your precious kiddos into counseling. I was sexually abused for years by my father and blamed for it by my mother. I was also physically abused by my mother. I developed a dissociative disorder as a way to cope. Thank God for the incredible way He created our brains to allow us to effectively live through an intolerable situation.

    To the point, though I did crash and burn as an adult, because I had no one to help me through what I’d endured at the time, God’s grace gave me recovery through counseling and understanding. I now live a good and fulfilled life as a mom of adult daughters and grandmother of three incredible grandchildren. Obviously, you see the hope that comes after the devastation of sexual abuse. Praise God for that. Hold tight to that. You will continue to survive and thrive, and, one day, all your children will become aware of the full impact of your love and care. May God continue to bless your family. I applaud you for bringing what some consider a shameful topic into the light.

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